Blah-blah Blacksheep

Psycho-babble

Joie — Mon, 07 Feb 2011 12:05:04 +0000

I can’t believe I haven’t been here for such a long time! I even forgot my password and account name (and forgive me– even the domain of this free blog site and have to ask my brother to look for blog sites which sounded familiar!)

Well, the thing is, I’m still very much pregnant and happy and taking things quite easily. Everything is in rose-colored glasses and blogging is, during these times, the least on my priorities….

Then struck my own version of tragedy….

My loving husband has to fly oceans away to attend his brother’s wedding and will be there for the next three weeks or so. And of course, poor me have nothing to do but mope around and feel sorry for myself. (I justify this further by blaming it on the hormones!) I’ve cried while he was here, when he wasn’t and then some.

So, yes, I am back. This is one way for me to keep my sanity intact and these eyes dry for as long as I can muster. I’m just not used to not having my husband around. I hope this isn’t so abnormal! (yeah, I know, I must soon find a hobby or I’ll turn psycho!).

Preggy Sue

Joie — Wed, 20 Oct 2010 16:34:52 +0000

So much has happened during the time I wasn’t blogging and now, lo and behold, yours truly is waiting around 30 more weeks before I give birth to “it”.

Exciting! Yes, it is!

The first time was when I visited my doctor several weeks ago for a random check-up and told her I “might” have had my period but I wasn’t sure. I just saw a spot and that seems to be odd since I normally have more than that on a monthly basis. And the revelation was inevitable: there on the ultrasound screen is tiny little “shrimp-like” thing that the doctor refered to as my little one!

Oh my….I wasn’t expecting that….I couldn’t wait to tell my other half the news and he just thought I was joking. Yet after my joyous outburst over the phone took more than a minute, he cried– convinced and laughing with me as we face this new reality of somebody joining us in the near future…I’ll be a mom for the first time and it felt great! Like a gift given to you that you haven’t known of until that special day when you’re about to open it…Cliche or not, I feel like a woman 100% for the first time. And I used to do everything and anything as long as I can even if it means killing myself to it, but now it’s a totally different ball game. I cannot be selfish thinking only of myself in that half-hearted way but I really have to take care of myself for that little “shrimp” inside of me…

Every now…and then

Joie — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 20:37:20 +0000

How come it’s still there?

I was googling around and was checking videos on youtube when I saw one of my favorite local bands singing their songs. It brought back memories of the past. Lost loves and heartaches. How come after all these years, getting married and all, the pain is still there? Although not as painful as it once was but still something uneasy and unexplainable?

I would like very much to think that this is normal. I’m feeling a bit emotional and it will pass. Your first heartbreak is one thing no one else can take from you and it can run through the deepest recesses of your heart and mind, subconsciously.

Do you ever wonder how it is with that past love? If, for instance, you don’t have a clue as to where this person is? Have you tried “googling” him or her over the internett in vain?

I did.

First Post for 2010…and it’s already May…

Joie — Wed, 19 May 2010 21:24:47 +0000

Do you forgive someone for humiliating you in front of other people? While unknowingly you pour your heart out and at the same time being laughed at by a bunch of people who don’t have anything better to do but see who looks like a fool? (Fool –me!)

I don’t.

The fact is, I trusted this person. I’ve managed to befriend him after decades of not seeing each other. I hardly know him anyway, but he seems nice enough to listen to my rants about life that it seems natural that sooner or later it gets personal and a bit touchy.

But, no.

I later found out he’s sharing my secrets to other people, all those time I trusted him.

So, goodbye sucker! You won’t be hearing from me again….

I Hate the Holidays

Joie — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 17:51:33 +0000

I just do.
Its much ado about nothing really. It’s not even funny giving gifts to people who already have lots of stuff and might be throwing away that present you’ve waited in the cashier’s line in the mall for hours just so you have something for them. It’s been lots of hullabaloos and a good profiteering scheme for all retailers worldwide!
It will be my plan to someday escape from all this nonsense and be gone…just drift away into no-mans land with no stress, hassle, humongous bills and fake smiles…

Hope your holiday is better…

Goodbye…

Joie — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 22:24:56 +0000

The problem with hello is goodbye….

Torn

Joie — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 12:25:40 +0000

I am…

I can’t believe we can’t reach a compromise right now. There is a big possibility that I’d bag the dream job I’ve prepared my whole life for. And yet, after telling this to my other half, he was not at all happy about it. He is not being unreasonable. He just doesn’t want us to be apart for that long (this job has a lot of travelling and long-distance relationship will be our case!). He wants things as they are now, meaning I work in this job I’m beginning to be sick of and that we see each other every night. He wants us to be together after the end of the day and talk about how our day went. Happy and simple. I know, it sounds ideal.

But why do I even dare dream of having this job? Is that wrong to pursue ones dream when one is already married? Maybe I should compromise and forget about this new job? Life is good as it is already, why should I ruin it?

It just seems so unfair that it’s either I erase this new job possibility from my entire existence, this job that I’ve dreamed my whole life and been educated for or else lose my husband for the perfect career . Why can’t there be a middle ground in this?

It Ain’t Over Till it’s Over

Joie — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 22:47:36 +0000

It’s past midnight and I’m still wide-awake. As per my previous entry, judgement day and stuff…well I thought I will know how it will turn out but no, it’s another agonizing two weeks before I would know.
It’s actually a very delicate subject matter. But what the heck, nobody who reads my blog knows me personally so I can blog away and remain anonymous (I hope!)
Remember the evil ex-wife of my husband? Well, she is for me the epitome of evilness. We were in court last tuesday. By we, meaning me and my husband, my sister-in-law and bro-in-law as witnesses also. The case: my husband is accused of allegedly beating the hell out of his three kids in several occasions over a period of time. Several occasions like in the school’s premises when he allegedly visited them and at our place, where they were “locked in” for several hours!!!
I would be an A-list a**hole if I will lie about this infront of the jury. He is not a violent person and I have not, in our more than five years of being together, seen him hurt, even a strand of hair of these three kids. I would be the most horrible version of myself if I say good things about my husband when its not. But my conscience is clean and in my heart and mind, I’ve been as truthful to the court as possible. I defended my man. He is innocent and he doesn’t deserve to be there at all!
So imagine how he must have felt seeing video interviews of his three kids telling a lot of lies of how they were beaten by their father, how they were maltreated and how unfair he was to them.
I am just appalled at this. I still am and I can’t get over the fact that the children has even the capacity to say so many horrible lies about their own father who has struggled since the divorce, to live a normal life, at first by himself, and after, with me.
They are not even teenagers and they have managed to ruin their own father with these very detailed lies. My husband is shattered but still managed to stand up and make a closing statement. He said that he knows the children love him, that they are not the ones speaking on those video interviews but the mother’s brainwashing ways, and that he loves them whatever happens.
I’m just so goddamn frustrated and of course it doesn’t need a lot for a child to prove himself innocent in court.
I’m thinking how can I get over this betrayal by my stepchildren to their very own father? I am angry at them but at the same time I have to keep myself from thinking too much and avoid my emotions getting in the way. They are victims of a cunning ex-wife who still poisons their mind to hate their father and is succeeding as we speak. I’ve heard so much weird things about her (as told by the children) and even got to speak to her on several unpleasant occasions but I didn’t expect she is this wicked and rotten. I can’t even believe there is such an evil selfish person who uses her children to get even. It’s truly unbelievable!
Anyways, I don’t know. We will be hearing with the courts in what is going to be my longest two weeks of waiting.

Judgement Day

Joie — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 22:57:00 +0000

Something life-changing is about to take place tomorrow until wednesday. Actually it’s only life-changing for me and my family, but too personal to tell. Maybe someday when all of these has passed and I can talk more freely about it.
I’m stressed and it feels like the world is not a safe place at all. There are just too many evil things happening around and even if you have lived your life with good intentions, it’s not what works for others, so they would want to mess your life as well.
I don’t know, I just feel sad, disillusioned and pissed off, really.
To top it off, how can you accuse those who broke your heart and yet you need to love?

Gone

Joie — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 08:27:46 +0000

Gone were the days

Where things are bright and clear

Where dreams are yet to be revealed

Where friendships are real

Days pass by

Where you are but a shadow

Getting even more pale and blurred

Yourself a stranger, a ghost.